Appointments and Shopping

Abby had her 18 month check up today... and wow was that a circus! My mom came to my house around 2:30. I had already loaded the two babies and Abby into the van. (Which is a ton of work I might add) We stopped at my school first where I talked with my adviser about next Spring. I thought I had come in early enough but I guess it wasn't fast enough. The classes I need to take online are all filled up already. So... for now I am wait listed and my adviser is  contacting a professor to see if I can get a spot. She asked if I wanted to take chemistry at the school... but the thought of driving up to town twice a week, for one hour 4:00-5:00... isn't going to work. Making my mom watch all three for a mere hour, twice a week, during the most 'sport's booked' hours of the day isn't fair.

So that was frustrating. I also found out that the paper I need signed for my loans has to be signed by someone at the actual college I am enrolled in. SO on Monday I have to drive 45 minuets to the college and get this paper signed so that I have proof that yes, I am still enrolled in school, and NO they shouldn't make my loans all come due. The extra bill would sink us... literally. We just don't have that kind of extra cash lying around. In fact we have 0 extra cash for anything.

Ok... I digress. Abby's appointment renewed my frustrations with my current pediatrician. He is a really nice guy who is GREAT with Abby... who also doesn't really listen to me. I ask questions and get 'generalized' answers... but I don't know any better doctors so I'll deal with it for now and keep pushing my concerns if I have them. But she is doing well developmentally. Her weight and height are just below the 50th percentile.

But it was quite a zoo in that room. 2 crying babies and a toddler who was also trying to help each of the babies. Good thing I wasn't by myself! It was fun that I met a mother who's friend was expecting twins and had a 15 month old. She asked me how I was doing and if it was hard... etc etc. It was nice to talk with her about it. I had several people ooo and awww over Kiley and Kara.


We went to Walmart after the appointment so that I could pick up a few groceries. Wow did we get a lot of looks driving carts, one full of babies and the other with a squirmy toddler and groceries. I bet it was a funny sight. But now our cubboards are full of food again and I think my appetite will improve significantly with the choices I now have. Groceries are expensive though!

Tom is sitting in the recliner right now holding Kara and Kiley. He is laughing because as he strokes Kara's forehead she gets this little happy drunk look on her face. But now they are both crying... I had better go feed them. Check out my latest poll and see how well you do! (Oh and thanks to Sam for the cool Tom & Bri + Thr3E picture!)

Snow Snow Snow

Today we are going down to my parent's place to visit. Abby would like the change of scenery and I could use some time out of the house too. We'll get down there eventually, as soon as I'm not a milk machine and Abs get's breakfast and changed. Sometimes I look at the whole of everything I need to do and it is overwhelming. I need to do a better job of just taking things one step at a time. Things always look a little better over a good cup of coffee. I do love my coffee :)

I found out yesterday that there is a good chance that I will get into the nursing program next Fall. One of the professors I talked to said that she knew of several students who decided that nursing was not for them. That is encouraging to me! I can't wait to be done with school. So that is a positive!

Our mail was interesting yesterday. We got the bill from our hospital... before insurance it was $25,000. WOW. Each ultrasound that I had there at the end was $900-$1600 a piece. And if you remember there were a few times I had them twice a week! There were two doctors at delivery who just 'attended' the delivery 'just in case' ... we got charged $180 dollars PER BABY for that. It just blows my mind. Thank GOD we have the right insurance... we would have been in serious trouble financially otherwise. The Lord does provide! Another twin mommy whose blog I followed (who had her twins at 28 weeks and was on hospital bedrest for months...) got her bill the other day too. 1 MILLION dollars... no joke, it really was that high. Yikes! There is no price you can put on your children but it is amazing how expensive twins can be!

People often ask me how I tell Kiley and Kara apart. Sometimes I look at my babies and wonder... are they really identical? They look so different to me? Perhaps that is a mom's perspective, perhaps they still look different because of where they were in the womb, and their weights and such... but from everything I know, one placenta means identical. So perhaps they will look more alike as they get older.

Kiley: Has a larger bump on the back of her head; Her complexion is lighter, she tends to be calmer than Kara, will calm down faster than Kara

Kara: Has a redder complexion, She likes to curl up in a little ball, she is more of a spitfire (reminds me a little more of Abby at times)

At times I can just... 'tell'

But I need to get off the computer and get going... later!

Just one of those days...

Generic chicken noodle soup is not a bargain, it is awful. I went digging through the cupboards today, found the can and decided to give it a shot. Never again. Now the oven is preheating for a pizza. Our state of food is pretty pathetic. Eventually I either need to make Tom do a little grocery shopping or my mom, or perhaps have her babysit so that I can go. It's impossible to do on my own.

I'm struggling a little today. So if you call, or email or chat with me don't feel bad if I don't respond. We all went to visit my prior fellow nursing students which was really nice. They enjoyed seeing all three of my girls. Abby fell asleep on the way home, I got her in the crib...and she woke up a few minuets later. Of course both Kiley and Kara were hungry and screaming so I had to wait and feed them both first. I put them down in the crib, made a bottle for Abby and tried rocking her. Abby was naughty and kept trying to slap me, she was crying, the babies were crying and I didnt know which to take care of first. Abby was so close to falling asleep so many times. Finally after 45 minuets I felt like I had ignored Kiley and Kara long enough. I put Abby down in her crib and went back upstairs to take care of the other two. Abs screamed and screamed of course calling out for me.

I got the twins changed, fed them again and by the time I was finished Abby had cried herself to sleep. It's 3 o'clock and I still haven't eaten lunch yet. I'm trying to make sure I eat but my appetite has been down a lot lately and I dont know if it's because I just don't 'feel' like making food or I'm just so tired I'm not hungry. Or maybe I feel like there is so much to do I just forget that I have to eat too. Of course I know I need to eat, I'm trying to feed two babies... skipping meals is bad. And I pretty much only had cereal yesterday. (To which I already feel guilty about)

Which brings me to the other thing I'm struggling with. I feel like I'm so much a caregiver that I'm not a mom. I feel like I'm going through the motions of ... feed Kiley, hand her off to be burped, feed Kara, hand her off to be burped, change Kiley, change Kara, change Abby, get Abby a snack, Kiley is hungry again, Kara wants to be fed, both need to be changed again, Abby is getting into the trash again, now she's taking all of the clothes out of the door, she wants me to play with her....

I cried today. I miss cuddling with Abby on the couch and watching cartoons. I miss us being buddies and doing things together and going for walks or running errands. I feel like I'm constantly telling her no. I want to play with her and color and do things like we used to. I really do try, I'm just so tired or I get busy. I miss feeling close. That's why letting her cry herself to sleep this afternoon was so hard.

I wish I could sit and hold Kiley and Kara like I did with Abby. I want to let them play on the floor, and swing in their swing or sit in the bouncy seat. They have to spend so much time in the crib because it's safe from Abby and she keeps me so busy. And because there are two of them I feel like I can't bond with each individually that I'm so busy going from one to the next to Abby. I feel like I'm being cheated out of enjoying them as little babies. They both cry and I often have to choose which one I will comfort first. How do you choose? Do I choose one more than the other out of habit? I try to comfort them both if I can... and then there is Abby.

I feel like a bad mom. I just do. And it makes me sad. Everyone tells me to do what I can and that is all I can do... but what if it isn't enough?

If you made it through that long post congrats. I'm sorry about complaining or 'whining' ... but I just have a lot of things that I'm struggling with today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better....

Weight Checks & Two weeks old today!

We are back! Home sweet home... How nice it was to be back snug in our own beds last night. We had a lot of fun down at Tom's parent's this weekend. His brothers and families came down to visit too. It was nice to see everyone there. Abby had the most fun the first night we were there I think. She was in rare form trying to entertain everyone! I was pleasantly surprised with how well she played with Isaac too. Granted they are both 1 1/2 ish and don't understand the concept of sharing but they enjoyed each other I think.

The girls (all three) were eventually worn out and very clingy. Abby isn't used to the babies crying and so it didn't work as well for all 5 of us to be in the same room. I couldn't keep the babies quiet enough and they would wake her up. She jumped out of both the crib and the play pen!! I couldn't believe it. We left yesterday afternoon because Abby had just HAD it. She was a bit of a spitfire. It was good that she was able to nap on the way home and it gave me time to finish up the bit of homework I hadn't found time or motivation to do.

This morning we went up to town to get Kiley & Kara's weights checked. The clinic was so excited to see the girls. (I used to work there...) It was so nice of them to just let me take them in and get their weights checked. They seem to be so much more accurate with weight checks than our pediatrician. So... I suppose I should say how much they weighed.

Kiley: 5lb 8 oz
Kara: 5lb 9 1/2 oz

They are both ALMOST the same weight! The good news is that they are both up to and a little over their birth weights! Fantastic. :) I'm so happy... with how much I've been feeding them, and how often I had hoped they were gaining great!

Well Abby is down for her nap and I probably should get a few things done. Kara and Kiley just got done eating, (Kara is snoozing in my lab and Kiley is snoozing with Tom in the recliner) We have a busy day planned. I have to run to a different town to turn in some paperwork for insurance 'stuff' and later my mom is coming by to drop off the swingset she bought for Abby for Christmas. Tom is going to try and put it up today while the weather is still nice. I am also hoping that we can decorate the tree out in front of our house since we won't be putting up our Christmas tree ... so far. It's possible we might change our minds. It doesn't feel as "Christmassy' without it... even though I KNOW Abby would tear it apart. We'll see I guess. I always have big plans... they just don't always get done. My first order of business will be getting 2 Christmas "projects" done... I need to order them soon so I'll have them by Christmas!