32 weeks

The last remnants of the setting sun are still trailing away and it is so beautiful. It seems like it's been weeks since the sun was out last... even though I'm sure it has only been a few days. Right now my brother A is playing with Abby and she is having a good time. It's likely she won't be in bed very early tonight, she had a late nap and didn't get up till 4:30!

Backing up a little... Abs and I went up to town and did a little shopping. I decided there won't be many more days that I can just pack her up and go.... so we left around 11am. Our first stop was for pumpkins :) We got three 'balls' as Abby calls them for 6 dollars!!! One of the pumpkin patch we had gone to earlier wanted 6-9 dollars per pumpkin! She kept getting her shoe stuck in the wooden pallets and that was making her a little mad. Our 2nd stop was a fabric store... I recently decided that I wanted to get some 'furry' fabric to use as backgrounds for when I take pictures (especially of the twins) I had been watching Ebay for them but most of the time it was 20 dollars or more, and I couldnt really be sure how much they were sending.

Luckily the fabric store that I went to had a sale on the fabric and it was 50% off! So I got two rather large pieces of fabric for 20 dollars. I'm so excited about it because the pieces are really nice. I only wish they had a white piece but perhaps another time they will...

Our third and final stop was at the mall. I needed two things and actually managed to get both! I had bought a plush blanket for one of the twins earlier at Target but couldn't find a second that I liked. Sears had the one I wanted so I picked it up and now both are safely packed away in our hospital suitcase. :) I had bought one for Abby before she was born that she uses all of the time. It is nice because the fabric washes really well and is nice and soft and of good quality. I wanted to make sure each of the other girls had their own too! I also finally got a pair of shoes that I can slip on and off that have some support. Yes... I can no longer tie my shoes very well. I havent bought a new pair of shoes for myself since I was pregnant with Abby. It was time.

Tom and A are playing Halo now... and there is a part of the opening sequence where a choir of men does a "ooooooo" bit... Abby was mimicking them and it was really funny. (Sorry had to put this in)

Today was a good day if you haven't figured it out from the above. I still have my moments where things feel overwhelming and I do cry a little but for the most part things are good. I think it's hardest when I read other members of my "Twin group" on a site called Babycenter talking about how big their babies are... and it hits me how little ours really are. Last night was hard and I had a good cry... Abby had fallen asleep briefly on the way home from my Mom's and I spent a few hours trying to get her to sleep... then Tom brought her down to her room for me because I was trying so hard not to cough. Well she woke up and cried for another 20 minuets or so in her room.

She was so sad and crying so I just lost it. Isn't it funny how when you are tired and frustrated and overwhelmed how things just hit you? It also doesnt help to have so many hormones raging around inside either. It's just been a hard week or so. Being so sick and taking so long to recover fully... only to have to deal with all of this other stuff has just taxed my ability to 'deal' with things as well. It was good to cry though, I needed to just let go of all the worry and the frustration and the feelings of being inadequet.

I just think back to all those times I told mother's not to feel bad about things that happen, that it's nothing they did wrong or could have prevented... and even after all that has happened during this pregnancy and all of the things that we've had to deal with, all of the ups and downs I find myself having this sinking feeling that this is somehow my fault. I find myself thinking through all of the meals I've had in the last week... Did I not take in enough protein? Should I have eaten more during those meals? Was I too active? Could I have done SOMETHING to keep them from growing like they should have?

They told me there wasn't' anything I could do to help this... that unless I had eaten absolutely nothing in the last two weeks this wasn't my fault. And I still have that guilt. It's crazy I know... I've tried to do my best for these babies. In a way as excited as I am for them I've been racked with so much fear this pregnancy, so many ups and downs and maybes that it's almost hard to feel like the twins are 'real' that this pregnancy will ever end... that in the end hopefully I will hold them both in my arms.

So right now I'm waiting for Tuesday... perhaps if I go in cautious the news will be good. It's happened before right? Perhaps this isn't all as bad or scary or crazy as I think it is and my girls will look perfect on ultrasound. Thankfully they have both been active. It's like they are sending me little reminders, telling me "Mommy we are ok, don't worry." It still will be nice to see them again soon....

Scary News

I'm feeling a little numb right now and it's hard to know where to begin. It's been a loooong day. My appointment was at 10:45. I didn't leave the hospital until 3pm if that gives you any idea how the appointments went. In all fairness it DID take forever for me to get into the actual ultrasound room, almost 30-40 minuets of waiting. I did have a good conversation with one of the other moms that was in the place. She actually got called before I did and her being so nice was like "oh that's not fair" and told the nurses I had been waiting there for a long time. I guess they were backed up today.

A student came along to watch my ultrasound and the tech I had was really nice and I liked her a lot. It was a little fun to have a student because the ultrasound tech was explaining a lot of things that I see a lot... but never knew what they were.

The stressful part of the appointment started a little later when they told me Baby A was 3lbs 7oz. I couldn't believe that since two weeks ago she was 3lbs 6oz. I thought maybe I had just heard the numbers wrong last time. Baby B it turns out only gained an ounce too so they did dopplers on the placenta and the cords to see how the blood is flowing. The dopplers were elevated meaning that the blood is having a harder time getting from the placenta to the babies. Not so good.

Baby A wasn't doing the movements/breathing that she should have been doing for the Biophysical Profile and so Dr B decided he wanted me to do an NST after the ultrasound to check on her. I spent another hour in the NST room being monitored because Baby B decided she was going to be difficult and wasn't being reactive. (They need to see two accelerations in their heartbeats along with movement) Eventually they let me go down to Dr H whom was concerned because she had no idea why I was so late with my appointment

The good news is my blood pressure is still great and now signs of precclampsia. I'm only measuring at 38 weeks... which means I haven't grown in the last two weeks either. *sigh* I have now gone from 1cm to 2cm. Dr H did the Group B strep test today because she doesnt think I will last much longer between what is going on with the babies and my body. At least the positive is that we are at 32 weeks and have had the steroid shots.

So what does all this mean? I'm coming in twice a week now for BPP ultrasounds and dopplers to check on the babies. Tuesday (my birthday) is the next appointment and if this next one shows the dopplers still elevated or worse there is a good chance they will just decide to take the babies. If they are ok I'll be back in next Friday to check them again, if that one shows distress or elevated dopplers than we will take them. They can't do another weight check until the week after next. If THAT appointment shows no weight gain or decreased weight gain they'll take them then.

Confused yet?

I would be lying if I said I wasn't afraid. I keep thinking I would rather have them come early because of my body going into labor than because they aren't getting what they need. I asked if there was anything I could do to help them grow but there isn't really... it's not related to my having been sick, it's nothing I've done. There is just something going on with the placenta and the cords.... obviously they aren't afraid to the point that they would take them today. They want to give them a chance to turn the situation around and pack on some weight before they get here. But I'm still scared... and it's going to be a long weekend. I'm going to be paranoid about them moving I can already tell.

I was driving home and heard this song by Tenth Avenue North... of course I had been on the brink of tears since I left the hospital and this one just made me cry but it feels closest to what I'm feeling right now and how hard I am to trying to lay my trust on God that He has gotten us through so much during this pregnancy that He will take care of my girls now. These are the lyrics that struck me the most and I wanted to share them with you as I close this entry.

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life


Please pray for my girls, pray hard that whatever is going on inside will heal and that they can grow big and strong and pack on some weight. Pray that if there is something wrong I will know and can get in in time. Pray that I can sleep tonight...and the rest of this weekend. Pray Pray Pray... I know prayer has done amazing things during their pregnancy, I know He can keep them safe... I know He will be with us no matter what....

31w 3d

I am really dragging this morning and feel just awful. 3.5 hours of sleep I suppose will do that to you. On top of this H1N1 that I am gradually recovering from, I think I'm coming down with strep. This is probably why I could not sleep last night. My mom told me that my brother had a night like that before he started showing symptoms of it.... *sigh* I'm feeling 'sickish' again and now have a pretty sore throat... So once again I called in Dr. H and asked them what they would like me to do... wait it out until I start running a temp (or don't) or to get checked out? The nurse that called me back is not one of my favorites. She is the one I've had problems with in the fast... almost feels snippity, in a huge hurry and spouts off information so fast you can hardly talk. I'm sure she's very efficient... but I hate talking to her.

But the nurse decided to ask Dr. H what she wanted to do and was going to call me back. I have to go up to town this afternoon anyways because Abby has a doctors appointment today for her diaper 'rash.' I wouldn't even consider it a rash I guess, she does have a few spots and just a teeny bit of redness but the part that is so bad is she has these two small... sores? It's like the top layer of the skin has been 'eaten' down and these spots really hurt her a lot. I can always tell when her diapers get soiled because she literaly goes nuts. Runs around and circles screaming saying 'ow ow ow ow' Poor thing it hurts sooo bad. When I called them yesterday they said it might be a bacterial infection and she might need to have antibiotics to heal it up... Of course the appt is at 1:30... right smack dab in the middle of her nap time. Which means... after my 3.5 hour night I MIGHT get an hour to myself all day :(

Thursdays is my ultrasound/appointments.... it's something I'm looking forward to. I'm tired of feeling so sick, I hope in a way that if this is strep they'll let me get on something now so I don't have to try and suffer through another 'illness' My poor immune system is so shot I can't fight off anything. Right now I'm tired of being pregnant and I'm ready for my girls. I know I shouldn't say that, that the important things is to have fat healthy babies that can come home right away. But I guess other pregnant moms get tired eventually too... it's just getting harder to do things and being sick so much is NOT helping. This last week has just been hard.

If you are wondering how the H1N1 'stuff' is doing... no I'm not running a temp. My chest congestion/cough seems worse today than it was yesterday and I'm feeling short of breath again. The most frustrating part to me is looking in the mirror and just still looking 'sick.' My eyes are just puffy and have dark circles under them, they just look gaunt? Is that the right word? Thats why if you've seen my latest maternity pictures I'm not looking at the camera.. I had some TAKEN... but I just look zombie like. I'm in no means really sick or dangerously sick so it's not something to 'worry' about. I just feel like my body hates me... I just feel 'crappy.'

This too shall pass... I just needed to vent about it a little. I'm not used to being sick so much or so sick. Usually things are just 24 hour minor setbacks not struggling to get through a day types of feelings.

I did get out just a little yesterday, for about 5 minuets each time. I was going a little crazy at home so I went out for just a bit with Tom and Abby in the snow to get a few pictures and then to get one of me with the beautiful leaves. Hopefully today will be a good day... thanks again for the prayers.

Being pregnant and sick isn't fun...

On to day two of this crud and at least I'm not running a fever. The cough is still pretty bad but at least I was able to get a little sleep. We didn't get home from the ER/Labor and Delivery until around a quarter to two. Abs went to sleep around 8pm and I watched the Hawkeyes play against Michigan and took some Tylenol. It didn't do anything and my fever climbed to about 101.8 Tom apparently had been texting my parents who were in town for a date night and they stopped by to check on how I was doing. They came in and told me to go in. My mom said she would stay over to watch Abs while we were gone so that we didn't have to move her.

It was really cold driving up there, the temp was 25 degrees and with a fever that is miserable getting off of the couch and into the car. I didn't really want to go up there but I was feeling a little short of breath and really miserable. When we got to the ER there were already two other OB couples so they shuffled us up to Labor and Delivery. The nurses weren't very happy with the ER staff for making me walk up there because I was panting by the time I got up there. They hooked me up and the babies. My pulse was in the upper 140's (normal is 60-100) which was part of why I was feeling so short of breath even though my O2 saturation was ok. The important thing is that I was getting enough oxygen for the babies. It was pretty miserable being hooked up and laying in the hospital bed as I was freezing cold. The monitor was showing some significant uterine irritability (contractions) but nothing regular to worry about. I'm pretty sure it was related to all of the coughing fits and my poor body just being worn out.

The doctors came in and decided that I was ok to go home as long as I stayed on the Tamiflu and took Tylenol to keep my temp down and push push push fluids. So Tom brought me home and I took another dose of the Tamiflu, two Tylenol and crawled into bed. I woke up once because my fever had finally broken and I was freezing cold and wet. My mom is still here this morning (she stayed overnight) and is helping me out with Abby. Tom's still sleeping but I'm sure he was tired out from last night. I'm feeling a little better this morning so the Tylenol and the Tamiflu must be starting to work. It's amazing how much better you feel without a fever though!


They said this stuff can last up to two weeks... I'm hoping that since I'm starting to feel a little better it won't be more than a day or so. I don't know how I could handle two weeks. Well I had better go and hang out with my mom while she is here.