Snow Snow Snow

Today we are going down to my parent's place to visit. Abby would like the change of scenery and I could use some time out of the house too. We'll get down there eventually, as soon as I'm not a milk machine and Abs get's breakfast and changed. Sometimes I look at the whole of everything I need to do and it is overwhelming. I need to do a better job of just taking things one step at a time. Things always look a little better over a good cup of coffee. I do love my coffee :)

I found out yesterday that there is a good chance that I will get into the nursing program next Fall. One of the professors I talked to said that she knew of several students who decided that nursing was not for them. That is encouraging to me! I can't wait to be done with school. So that is a positive!

Our mail was interesting yesterday. We got the bill from our hospital... before insurance it was $25,000. WOW. Each ultrasound that I had there at the end was $900-$1600 a piece. And if you remember there were a few times I had them twice a week! There were two doctors at delivery who just 'attended' the delivery 'just in case' ... we got charged $180 dollars PER BABY for that. It just blows my mind. Thank GOD we have the right insurance... we would have been in serious trouble financially otherwise. The Lord does provide! Another twin mommy whose blog I followed (who had her twins at 28 weeks and was on hospital bedrest for months...) got her bill the other day too. 1 MILLION dollars... no joke, it really was that high. Yikes! There is no price you can put on your children but it is amazing how expensive twins can be!

People often ask me how I tell Kiley and Kara apart. Sometimes I look at my babies and wonder... are they really identical? They look so different to me? Perhaps that is a mom's perspective, perhaps they still look different because of where they were in the womb, and their weights and such... but from everything I know, one placenta means identical. So perhaps they will look more alike as they get older.

Kiley: Has a larger bump on the back of her head; Her complexion is lighter, she tends to be calmer than Kara, will calm down faster than Kara

Kara: Has a redder complexion, She likes to curl up in a little ball, she is more of a spitfire (reminds me a little more of Abby at times)

At times I can just... 'tell'

But I need to get off the computer and get going... later!

Just one of those days...

Generic chicken noodle soup is not a bargain, it is awful. I went digging through the cupboards today, found the can and decided to give it a shot. Never again. Now the oven is preheating for a pizza. Our state of food is pretty pathetic. Eventually I either need to make Tom do a little grocery shopping or my mom, or perhaps have her babysit so that I can go. It's impossible to do on my own.

I'm struggling a little today. So if you call, or email or chat with me don't feel bad if I don't respond. We all went to visit my prior fellow nursing students which was really nice. They enjoyed seeing all three of my girls. Abby fell asleep on the way home, I got her in the crib...and she woke up a few minuets later. Of course both Kiley and Kara were hungry and screaming so I had to wait and feed them both first. I put them down in the crib, made a bottle for Abby and tried rocking her. Abby was naughty and kept trying to slap me, she was crying, the babies were crying and I didnt know which to take care of first. Abby was so close to falling asleep so many times. Finally after 45 minuets I felt like I had ignored Kiley and Kara long enough. I put Abby down in her crib and went back upstairs to take care of the other two. Abs screamed and screamed of course calling out for me.

I got the twins changed, fed them again and by the time I was finished Abby had cried herself to sleep. It's 3 o'clock and I still haven't eaten lunch yet. I'm trying to make sure I eat but my appetite has been down a lot lately and I dont know if it's because I just don't 'feel' like making food or I'm just so tired I'm not hungry. Or maybe I feel like there is so much to do I just forget that I have to eat too. Of course I know I need to eat, I'm trying to feed two babies... skipping meals is bad. And I pretty much only had cereal yesterday. (To which I already feel guilty about)

Which brings me to the other thing I'm struggling with. I feel like I'm so much a caregiver that I'm not a mom. I feel like I'm going through the motions of ... feed Kiley, hand her off to be burped, feed Kara, hand her off to be burped, change Kiley, change Kara, change Abby, get Abby a snack, Kiley is hungry again, Kara wants to be fed, both need to be changed again, Abby is getting into the trash again, now she's taking all of the clothes out of the door, she wants me to play with her....

I cried today. I miss cuddling with Abby on the couch and watching cartoons. I miss us being buddies and doing things together and going for walks or running errands. I feel like I'm constantly telling her no. I want to play with her and color and do things like we used to. I really do try, I'm just so tired or I get busy. I miss feeling close. That's why letting her cry herself to sleep this afternoon was so hard.

I wish I could sit and hold Kiley and Kara like I did with Abby. I want to let them play on the floor, and swing in their swing or sit in the bouncy seat. They have to spend so much time in the crib because it's safe from Abby and she keeps me so busy. And because there are two of them I feel like I can't bond with each individually that I'm so busy going from one to the next to Abby. I feel like I'm being cheated out of enjoying them as little babies. They both cry and I often have to choose which one I will comfort first. How do you choose? Do I choose one more than the other out of habit? I try to comfort them both if I can... and then there is Abby.

I feel like a bad mom. I just do. And it makes me sad. Everyone tells me to do what I can and that is all I can do... but what if it isn't enough?

If you made it through that long post congrats. I'm sorry about complaining or 'whining' ... but I just have a lot of things that I'm struggling with today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better....

Weight Checks & Two weeks old today!

We are back! Home sweet home... How nice it was to be back snug in our own beds last night. We had a lot of fun down at Tom's parent's this weekend. His brothers and families came down to visit too. It was nice to see everyone there. Abby had the most fun the first night we were there I think. She was in rare form trying to entertain everyone! I was pleasantly surprised with how well she played with Isaac too. Granted they are both 1 1/2 ish and don't understand the concept of sharing but they enjoyed each other I think.

The girls (all three) were eventually worn out and very clingy. Abby isn't used to the babies crying and so it didn't work as well for all 5 of us to be in the same room. I couldn't keep the babies quiet enough and they would wake her up. She jumped out of both the crib and the play pen!! I couldn't believe it. We left yesterday afternoon because Abby had just HAD it. She was a bit of a spitfire. It was good that she was able to nap on the way home and it gave me time to finish up the bit of homework I hadn't found time or motivation to do.

This morning we went up to town to get Kiley & Kara's weights checked. The clinic was so excited to see the girls. (I used to work there...) It was so nice of them to just let me take them in and get their weights checked. They seem to be so much more accurate with weight checks than our pediatrician. So... I suppose I should say how much they weighed.

Kiley: 5lb 8 oz
Kara: 5lb 9 1/2 oz

They are both ALMOST the same weight! The good news is that they are both up to and a little over their birth weights! Fantastic. :) I'm so happy... with how much I've been feeding them, and how often I had hoped they were gaining great!

Well Abby is down for her nap and I probably should get a few things done. Kara and Kiley just got done eating, (Kara is snoozing in my lab and Kiley is snoozing with Tom in the recliner) We have a busy day planned. I have to run to a different town to turn in some paperwork for insurance 'stuff' and later my mom is coming by to drop off the swingset she bought for Abby for Christmas. Tom is going to try and put it up today while the weather is still nice. I am also hoping that we can decorate the tree out in front of our house since we won't be putting up our Christmas tree ... so far. It's possible we might change our minds. It doesn't feel as "Christmassy' without it... even though I KNOW Abby would tear it apart. We'll see I guess. I always have big plans... they just don't always get done. My first order of business will be getting 2 Christmas "projects" done... I need to order them soon so I'll have them by Christmas!

Black Friday

Tom and I gave Kiley and Kara their first bath last night. Wow they were not huge fans :) Poor things looked so miserable laying there all in the buff. But we got them wrapped up nice and snug in their towels and each got some good snuggle time with Mom and a little something warm for their tummies. AND... for the first night since the hospital they were content to snooze together in their bassinet. The last few nights they had been winding up in bed with me after 4-5 hours of mom struggling with keeping up with their demands. I slept with Abs in bed with us but having two little babies who both want to be tucked up next to you can be interesting. I would have one snuggle up against me on one side and the other would sleep on my chest. It's amazing how aware of your body you can be when you become a new mom. The fact that I could wake up in the exact same position as I fell asleep in is amazing to me.

But anyways.... they snuggled together last night and just woke up every 2 hours to eat... which at times took me an hour to get them both fed and put down again. So I guess I slept in increments of 1 hour. I guess that explains why I'm so tired right now... Thank God for coffee!!!

Thanksgiving went... ok. We arrived late because we had to wait for Abs to finish her nap. She got up at 7am and REALLY needed it. So we got there an hour late and ended up with cold food. No one's fault but ours. I knew that would probably happen. Cold turkey is good though :) I was completely overwhelmed by the people. Gosh I am so paranoid this time!! I never felt like this when Abby was born. Perhaps the media H1N1 hype has gotten to me a little lol. I'm just worried with them both being barely 5lbs that if they got sick they could get really bad. They just don't have anything to lose! So having a large group of people who all want to hold them made me really nervous. In fact I was ready to go about the moment I walked in the door but made myself stay. Everyone really enjoyed seeing them, most couldn't believe how tiny they were. Kiley poo'd in her pj's and of course I had only brought 2 backups and both were dirtied by Kara before we even got there! (I go through a lot of outfits it seems) Thankfully Beth had given us onesies as gifts and so Kiley didn't have to go home completely naked. (We tucked her in the blankets good)

Abby and I put up a few Christmas decorations last night, Abby loved the 'preeties' but we are probably going to avoid putting up the tree this year. I feel bad enough telling Abby to stay away from the babies all the time. I don't want one more thing to have to tell her 'no' about. I should probably go see what she is up to, she just went downstairs again....

A thought to leave you with... We change an average of 20 diapers a day.... TWENTY... sometimes more

Almost Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving. How sad that so many jump right from Halloween to Christmas. Thanksgiving might be without presents or many decorations and it certainly isn't a retailors dream... but perhaps we all need to step back and remember what we are thankful for this year. With the economy in the dumps and bad news lurking around all corners it is easy to get lost in the world. So I'm praying that for a moment tomorrow, between the turkey and the football game everyone will take a moment to reflect on what they are thankful for, give their loved one an extra long hug and remember how lucky we all truly are...

Abby and I have hung out with Kiley and Kara all day. I'm sure she is getting a little tired of being cooped up. My mom and little brother stopped by for awhile this morning before they had to go to a few doctor's appointments. Abby really missed him and was glad to see him. They left during Abby's nap (2 hours yay!) It's still a bit of a battle to keep her from the girls. She wants to play with them like they are dolls and just gets too rough. It's exhausting at times to be on constant guard duty. I've been impressed so far as to how well I'm doing being at home with all three by myself. It's not easy but as I have discovered... you can do a lot when you have to.

Kara finally lost her little umbilicus (to Tom's delight, they creep him out) but Kiley is still holding tight to hers. I think we are going to give them their first baths tonight after Abby goes to bed. 8 days and no bath... we sound like horrible parents.. we aren't, just extraordinarily busy and exhausted parents. I'm excited and a little nervous. Giving babies a bath is hard when they are so small and 'floppy' and slippery. lol

It sounds like tomorrow we will be heading to the family Thanksgiving at least for a little bit. My mom is going to 'scope it out' a little and make sure people are healthy before we come. And if I'm uncomfortable with people holding them I'll just tell them no. The thought of staying home again all day tomorrow is not a pleasant thought... so we'll see how it goes.

Well Abby has once again discovered Kiley and Kara... gotta run!

One week old today!

Well lets see. Yesterday we went in for Kiley & Kara's first doctor's appointment. They got poked once again to check their Bilirubin levels. Kiley's dropped from Saturday's level of 12 to 10 and Kara dropped from 14 to 13. They were content to just watch the girls and as long as they didn't get more yellow or stop eating we were ok.

Today we had to go in for an appointment with the lactation people. At this appointment I met with the lactation lady, we had them weighed, fed them and weighed them again. Kiley isn't gaining as well as she should. She only gained 1oz since Friday and has lost more weight than she should have. Kara however is my little piggy and is well on her way to almost being back up to birth weight. So they want me to keep a close eye on Kiley and try to feed her more often (as if I'm not feeding all the time!) She told me to bring Kiley up some time and get a weight check the next time I'm in town so that we keep a close eye on it. If Kiley were an 8lb baby and was having this 'situation' they would be less worried but since Kiley is so little there isn't much wiggle room for error. But it's nothing to be 'concerned' about, I just have to watch it and get her checked out again to see if she starts to catch up.

It was a nice visit though, she said that she couldnt believe how well I was doing with everything and that I'm able to feed them both on my own without bottles. She said she would love to have me come back and talk to couples who are expecting multiples! (The class Tom & I went to) So that is how that visit went.

But we are home now, I'm tired and need to keep an eye on Abby whom is a little rambunctious right now. We are having to work on 'being gentle' with the babies. She loves them too much. :) We still aren't 100% sure what we will be doing for Thanksgiving yet. I'm a little afraid to take the girls to my big family gathering in Humboldt, too many people tend to come when they are sick. I'm pretty sure we will at least be going to Ida Grove Saturday-Monday. We'll see how long exactly we stay. Depends on how things are going and how we are all feeling. Ok have to see what Abby is up to...

5 days old now... wow

I'm losing track of the days a little. Hard to believe it is Sunday. Right now I am writing from my parent's house as Grandpa Timm is holding the twins. Kara is squaking a little so she might be getting hungry. We'll see how long I can stay on...

The girls are doing great. They are both still a little jaundiced but I'm doing my best to make sure they are eating and eating and eating. I wish I had thought to just tell the doctors I would like the bili blanket... it's less invasive than all of the 'pokes' they have had to endure and I wouldn't have to try so hard to feed twins. And yes, there are days I feel like all I do is feed them all the time. Thankfully it is getting a little easier each day. We are learning tricks and I'm figuring out how to manuever two babies at the same time.

Physically I'm doing a little less as well. Right now I have an awful headache and feel in general pretty icky. I'm hoping I don't have an infection. It doesn't help that I'm averaging 3-4 hours of sleep a night. I tried to take a nap this afternoon but wasn't able to fall asleep... how crazy is that? The Tylenol and Ibprofin haven't helped but I'll make it. I just feel a little bad for Abs because I've got so very little to offer her with how exhausted I am.

Tomorrow I have another doctor's appointment for Kiley and Kara. Abby is due for her 18 month appt but I think I will wait to do that until at LEAST after Thanksgiving week. Too much going on right now. Of course there are 2 homework assignments and a test due too... thankfully my Composition professor is very understanding with everything. On a similar note I found out yesterday that I won't be going back into the nursing program next semester :'( It's bittersweet to me, I will have more time to spend with all of my girls but it means delaying everything another semester.... *sigh* But I guess God has meant for me to be a mom now...

Well the computer battery is dying, Kara is hungry and I need to go take a bath to see if I can feel a little better. I'll try and write about the appointment tomorrow.

Day 2 at home

Today felt a little smoother. Perhaps we are getting the hang of this a little. I'm still not getting a lot of sleep but since I expected it, the fact I'm not getting it doesn't bother me as much. They slip out of their little preemie diapers and so they woke up angry twice last night because they were wet and pooey. It is nice that they sleep together so well in the bassinet. When Abby was a baby she NEVER slept unless I was holding her or she was in her swing.

This morning I took Kiley and Kara up to the hospital to get their bilirubin levels checked. I've discovered that I need a LOT of time to get things ready before I go. Each baby needs to be fed, changed, and dressed. Oh yeah... I need to be fed and dressed too, along with a little coffee in hand :) It also is an interesting feat to get two newborns into carseats without their older sister 'helping.' I've also discovered it is a lot of work to get two babies into the hospital on your own. I think it might have been easier if I still wasn't so tired and sore from having these two. But we made it. Poor little things had to get their heels pricked. Their feet are so bruised from all of the times they've had blood drawn. The lab people absolutely loved them and had to come look at them. It was hard though to hear them crying and looking at you like "Mommy why are they hurting me?" I'm so fiercely protective of all of my girls it is always hard to watch them get blood drawn.

We were supposed to come back at 4pm to have a weight check but thankfully the Childbirth Resource Center called and said they had an opening at 11:30 and wanted to know if I could come earlier. To which I was VERY happy to do! We went and visited Tom at work, I fed them and we went back to the hospital for the second time that day. They checked each girl's vitals, weights and than had me feed them. I REALLY need to paint one of the girl's nails so that I can keep them straight with one glance. I was tired and got them mixed up twice. Kiley has a larger 'bump' on the back of her head from delivery and that is how I was finally able to tell who was who. Kara drank 1oz and Kiley drank 1 1/2. The nurse was VERY impressed with how well they drank. She told me I no longer need to worry about supplementing their diets with formula. She also told me it was very unusual for 36 weekers to drink this well. Yay girls! Kiley has lost some weight since yesterday and both girls are 4lb 13oz now.

The pediatrician's office called me later this afternoon to tell me that Kiley's bili had risen to 11.5 (up from 8.5 yesterday) When I asked about Kiley's they sounded confused and said they didn't have the levels from the lab. They called me later to say that something happened and the lab had lost her blood. The lab did call later to appologize and state that they would not be charging me for the blood draws but that I need to come back in tomorrow to get them drawn again. *sigh* I don't mind doing it to make sure my girls are healthy but I hate to have to poke them AGAIN. Not to mention that I need to go up there once again! I'm to the point where I just want them to give me the bili blanket and stop poking them. So more pokes tomorrow :(

Abby is doing so well adjusting to the roll of big sister. She loves them so much. Our biggest concern is her being gentle with the girls. She's learning...and just doesnt quite understand how fragile they are. It's fun to see how much she wants to help though. I think Abby is liking that life is starting to take on some realm of 'normalcy' again. Mom and Dad were home tonight and I was able to put her to sleep. I think she needed the cuddle time. 

Well I'm just finishing feeding Kiley and Kara already had her fill... therefore it is time to go to bed before the next feeding. Continue to keep us all in your prayers as we navigate this new chapter in our lives.

A New Chapter

This post is long overdue but with everything going on it has been difficult to have time. The girls are here and amazing and beautiful and healthy. Praise the Lord. I will try and post their birth story sometime but tonight I just don't have the clear mind to do so.

We came home from the hospital today. We were dismissed at 1:00pm. There are moments when I think that I should have listened to Dr. H and stayed longer to rest... but I just wanted to go home and see Abby. I missed my home. Tom's mom is here and has helped around the house a lot. She made supper tonight which was SO much better than hospital food. I wish I could have eaten more. I played with Abby some after we came home, she gave me the biggest hug.

I think I'm going to head to bed here soon. I've gotten 5 hours of sleep or less for the last three or four nights and having babies and the stress of everything is getting to me. Please pray that I can learn to balance everything. Tomorrow I have to take Kiley and Kara in to get their bilirubins checked in the morning. Then at 4 something we have to go back up to get checked out to make sure we are all doing ok. We have to go in Monday for another appointment and Tuesday I go in to meet with the breastfeeding appointment. So much for leaving the hospital... but at least I was able to take them home.

Tom just got Abby to bed for me. I think I should sleep while there is someone to watch Kara and Kiley for awhile. I'll try to post more later.

Tomorrow!!!!!!!

This is it!

Less than 24 hours from now I will be checked into the hospital. Sometimes it still feels like a dream, that they will call me up and tell me that they have changed their minds. I keep running through the scenarios in my mind and trying to prepare myself. It is probably a little crazy but I'm excited... and nervous... and a little scared. Not scared in a terrified way... more like, I remember what it was like to have Abby and the thought of that is a little overwhelming. Is being naive better than knowing? Though I know it will be different, that each birth(s) is different.

Yesterday I was reading up on epidurals a little more, since I've never had one... and they mentioned that most give them when you are between 4-5 cm dilated. Hah... I'll most likely be almost 4 by the time we start! Of course you need to be in active labor too. What I think I'll end up doing is waiting as long as possible to get one and have the nurses just tell me when we are getting to "The point of no return" I dont want to slow down labor and I sure don't want to give my babies any problems because I had it. Who knows... if it goes fast enough maybe I won't even need one! (One can only hope)

I haven't been able to sleep well in the last few days, and it has nothing to do with thinking or being nervous. The babies are 'sliding' so far up when I lay down to sleep that they are literally right on top of my ribs. It hurts so much! Saturday night I was up every, single, hour... last night wasn't AS bad but I was up more than four times and that is enough. I guess the girls think they are getting me ready for when they come. I sure am ready for them to come!

I've been in cleaning mode too. I had Tom help me rearrange the basement so that the guest bed is in a better position. (Looks so much better) and I organized a little down there. There is still a lot to do but I don't have the power to do that much that fast! Two loads of laundry are done and the dishes have been unloaded and loaded. With how many times I've picked up you would think the house would be squeaky clean... but not with Abby around!

Tom has a cold... ugh. I'm hoping he will be over it by tomorrow! I dont know what they do with parents when they are sick. Perhaps they will have him wear a mask? I wonder if it is the same thing Abby has been battling. I'm praying he gets over it and that I don't catch it!!!

I will not post updates on Facebook as to how labor is going. Depending on how everything went and when the girls arrive I may post a birth announcement and picture on Facebook and on here. It will not be my first priority I am sorry to say. We plan on texting a picture & announcement out soon after they are born. We will also inform you at that time if we would rather have you wait to visit or stop by. Again a lot will depend on when they come. If you want to be on this list and aren't sure if I have your cell number please message me via Facebook or leave a comment below and I will contact you. (I don't want to put my personal contact information up for people to see)

Also: If you are feeling REMOTELY sick at all... please refrain from visiting us in the hospital. The girls will be still very small and can easily catch something and get very sick. We also ask that you wash your hands at the sink before coming into the room as a precaution. (I'm sorry... there is just so much going around I hate to risk my girl's health after everything we have been through)

Ok! I think that is it! I need to finish a few things before I head up to Sioux Falls to do some last minuet errands. Thank you for all of the prayers and thoughts... God has brought us so far and I am thankful for all of you. Please pray for us tomorrow... (and for me) that I will have the strength and the endurance to bring these little girls safely into the world.