The New Normal

I was thinking about this the other day... our new normal. Sleeping in snatches, eating when I can, cuddling with two babies and a toddler :) It's funny how the moment you think you have things 'figured out', and plans are set in stone... God says... "Nope! I'm still in charge up here!" Not for a moment would I ever trade what I have, I love all three of my girls and my wonderful husband and couldn't imagine life without them. But never in a million years could I have imagined God would bless us in this way... or that we would travel this road...

The other day I was listening to the song "What Faith Can Do" by the band Kutless and it made me tear up. Especially this bit....

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Because I HAVE had hope that doesn't end when the sky is falling... and I HAVE seen miracles just happen, silent prayers (and expressed prayers) get answered....

And I realized... That's what Faith can do.....Isn't it amazing?

Kiley and Kara had their weight check this morning. Kiley is 6lb 15oz and Kara is 7lbs!! Yay! They are both growing well despite their nasty colds. Poor Kara really has a nasty nose and she is very clingy. My poor hun. It makes sleeping hard for me though because I'm constantly trying to clear their noses the best that I can so that they can breathe at night. It makes them so mad when they can't breathe! My mom is watching Abby this morning so that I can get a paper written, so I had better start on that! I can't wait until I'm done with my classes for this semester. It will be nice to just enjoy Christmas :)

By the way.... The answer to the "Which Baby Poll" is...... *drum roll* ..... KILEY!

Congrats to those of you who got it right! Those who didnt... better luck next time!

Blessings

I have a little pink snowbaby curled up on my chest. Kara is so sweet and making little baby noises. Her eyes are wide open and she is looking at my face with her big beautiful eyes. I wonder if their eyes will be as beautiful as Abby's are? Everyone always comments on Abby's eyes. Kiley is snuggling with Dad and trying to nurse from his arm, I wonder how long she will be content with 'searching?'

They slept fairly well last night. I decided to try and give them both a few drops of the Mycloin (sp?) gas drops. It seems they wake up and cry and strain. Something doesn't like their tummies. It seemed to help a little so perhaps I will have to keep trying them. Granted I was still up quite a few times but at least they wouldn't fuss and fuss and fuss.

Tuesday we are going in for another weight check to see how big they have gotten. They will be 1 month old on Tuesday. It's hard to believe how fast time is flying by. Soon they will be dancing around with their older sister and I will really wonder where time has gone!

Today we are probably going to go and visit my Grandparents on my mother's side. I really need to get out of the house. The last 2 days have been really hard around here. The night before last I really struggled and probably cried quite a few times during the night. It does get kind of lonely at home and Abby and I have been home a lot. I did talk to one of my neighbors and we are going to try and set up a play date where we can let our kids play and we can visit. She had a baby girl the week before I did so we both have itty bitties too. She has two older boys too.  We also are going to try and get our family picture taken today. A good friend of mine is going to take it for us. I am excited. I hope we can get a good picture!! Now if only I can find something to wear...

As Christmas nears and my girls snuggle deep into my arms, I ponder on the absolute joy that Mary must have felt. That surging joy and love that envelops you those first few moments and that first cry pierces the air. Honestly I cannot think of a more joyful sound than that of a baby's first cry. If you have ever experienced it you know what I mean. I wonder if Heaven will be like that... this hard struggle and pain and discomfort... though also happy moments and suddenly this amazing burst of joy and love so deep you hardly have words to describe it. :)

Well laundry is calling my name, I have three pj's soaking in the tub with stain remover and two laundry baskets full of dirty laundry. (it never ends...) And since I am feeling ambitious I should get it taken care of. Have a great day!

Thrush :(

Kara is crying and trying to eat my leg as I write this. She is upset that Kiley got to eat first. Unknowingly I think she gets fed first more often because of the two girls she is the most demanding. She wants it right now and will fuss until she gets what she wants. Her personality is most like Abby's though not nearly as severe. I hate letting them cry but with the current thrush situation it is about all that I can handle to let one eat at a time. Two is just too painful.

So yes, I do have thrush and there is a good chance both girls do too. Dr H prescribed me a special creme to use and I need to apply that three times a day. I haven't started it yet because Tom picked it up last night on his way home from work and when I looked at the container it said "For external use only, do not put in mouth." Suuuure... how am I supposed to do that? My girls have to eat! So I waited until this morning to call Dr. H and just be 100% this was ok. The nurse thought it was funny the container said that too so she ran back to double check it. I guess the reason it says external use only is that it is not to be APPLIED to the girl's mouths, it's meant to clear the thrush up on me. She said that as long as I don't apply it just before they eat it should be just fine.

But then I had to put a call into Dr. L (Kiley & Kara's pediatrician) because they also need to be treated or we will just give this stuff back and forth to eachother. So how do I treat them? Well I'm supposed to take a washcloth and wipe out their mouths (please tell me how I'm supposed to do this) then I am supposed to take this purple dye 'stuff' and wipe it along their tongues and the sides of their mouth after EVERY feeding.

I have TWO babies, who eat every 3 hours if not more often (usually is more like 2 if I'm lucky) Each baby takes at least 15-20 minuets to eat. So I'm somehow supposed to get this dye into their mouths after every feeding? Ugh it just sounds daunting... Plus we aren't talking about when they cluster feed (eat a little bit several times... which is usually at night) AND I still have to get them changed... and oh yeah, I still have Abby who is a full time job in herself!

But I need to get rid of this stuff, it is so painful. I put up with feeding them because they need to eat but it is so hard. I really would like to just be able to enjoy the bonding time with each girl. Hopefully this won't last long. The thrush also makes them fussier which means more work for me...

Last night was the first night Abby had to put herself to sleep. Tom rocked her for a bit, laid her in her crib, gently told her it was time for her to go 'ni ni'. When she stood up he'd lay her back down and tell her it was time for 'ni ni' did this several times. Then he turned on her night light. Told her he loved her and that it was time for her to sleep. Shut the door and left. It's hard to hear her calling "Mommy! Daddy!" but she only cried for 10 minuets and then she went to sleep. I think that as hard as this adjustment is for us she is ready for it. I would love to be able to rock her forever but she doesn't make it very fun. She is constantly trying to slap us, drip her bottle all over, wiggle out... that often times I am so frustrated with her that I think it would be better for both of us if she just put herself to sleep. Hopefully she will learn this fast!

For those of you who haven't yet voted on the "Which Baby poll" Please do so soon. Tomorrow I will reveal the 'correct answer' :)

Blizzard and Stuck at Home

Day Two of being trapped at home with the girls. We got around 6-7 inches of snow last night though it is difficult to know exactly how much since it is blowing all over. The real trouble is the windchill, the wind is driving temps down into the negative teens and twenties... so even if we COULD get out it would be 'foolish' to go out because getting stuck somewhere with three little ones with temps that low would be bad. Can't help wanting to get out though...

I didn't even write yesterday because I was so busy taking care of the girls. Abs wasn't feeling good and was really really really naughty and just 'hard.' To top it off Kiley and Kara were really fussy too so I was hopping from one kid to the next to the next. It was a hard day and I was really tired by the time Tom got home. Of course it was nice that he got off at 4pm (so he wouldn't drive home in the dark). By the time we got Abby to sleep Tom and I had had it.

Well I finally got Abby to sleep, I had to take a brief break from writing because 'duty called'. She's been really hard to get to sleep lately. I'm starting to wonder if we are going to have to stop rocking her to sleep. I am dreading having to let her 'cry to sleep' though. Argh. But it took me 45 minuets this afternoon to get her down for her nap. It just takes a lot of time.

Friends of ours from church might be coming out tonight. It would be nice to see some other people! Of course it all depends on the weather, I don't want them traveling if it's nasty outside. But that also means I need to get up the motivation to do a little cleaning around the house. There isn't TONS to do but I should at least straighten things up a little. Part of me would like to just take a nap lol. And then of course there is my homework too... I reeeeeeally need to get this paper written but I'm having troubles finding the time to do it.

I'm feeding Kiley right now, which is how I justify spending some time browsing on the internet lol. I finally decided to put a call into Dr. H this morning. I'm having shooting sharp pains when I feed them and after. I don't have it all the time but when I do it is extremely painful. A few of my Babycenter moms thought it was possible that I had thrush or an infection. The nurse didn't seem to think so and my guess is they will have me call the lactation consultants. Which I am so so on... I just want the pain to stop. Most of the time I can deal pretty well with pain, but psychologically feeding babies=pain isn't pleasant and I start to resent them being hungry, especially at night. Things are just harder to deal with at night when you are exhausted and being woken up constantly. (They were really fussy last night) I had to suction their little noses several times... they were angry angry angry.

I have decided that the trouble with twins is that you never get to enjoy that 'victory feeling' of finally accomplishing getting your fussy baby to sleep. Because the moment you get one calmed down it's time for the next baby, and then the cycle repeats. Though I do have to say that the victory feeling is momentous those times you manage to get both happy....but... despite the hardships it is all worth it! One of 'my fellow twin mommies' lost one of her twins the other day. I cannot imagine the pain she is going through. They were a week old and they don't know what happened. It makes me hold my girls a little tighter, a little longer...

A tree raising :)

We put our tree up!!! And so far it is still in one piece. Abby did manage to pull of light bulbs twice and she even 'played' at trying to eat them... not good. But after dancing around the preeties awhile she left them alone. Our house feels 'festive' and I love it! There won't be any presents under the tree until Christmas morning. Abby is too efficient with unwrapping things!

Last night we stayed over at my parent's place. Kiley and Kara slept with me in my sister's bed and Abs slept in one of my brother's rooms and Tom slept in another room! So we spread out all over the house. K & K sleep really well when they are with me. I can't remember how many times they woke up but it wasn't nearly as often as a few of the nights before. I really needed the sleep, I was dragging really bad by last night. My mom told me a few times that I needed to go to bed. There are just so many things to do! I did leave the lamp on near the bed and I think that might have helped... I think that when K & K wake up they can just look around and tend not to fuss, then they don't wake me up until they are hungry! Perhaps I will have to eliminate my sleeping in the dark. If Tom doesn't end up sleeping on the couch it will be a miracle lol!

Abs, Kiley, Kara and I all have some type of cold. This morning Abs was absolutely miserable. Her eyes were red and she had a runny nose. I think that she had a bit of separation anxiety. My mom got her out of the play pen this morning and I think that she assumed we were gone. She held onto this 'singing stuffed tree' like a security blanket and kept crying and crying... she wouldn't let me go and was very concerned about where daddy went. Eventually we got past this and she was happy again. Kiley and Kara have been very stuffy. They wake up and cry because they can't breathe so I have to take the booger sucker to get them free again. Poor babies. I'm feeling better tonight than I was this morning. I did manage to get a nap in which helped a lot. The headache I had tonight finally went away with some Ibuprofen. Thankfully!!!

A couple from church brought us chicken noodle soup tonight. It was really good. Abby loved seeing them. They held the babies and Abby sensed right away that they were grandparents. She kept trying to get the 'grandma' to play with her. She was sad to see them go. (it was really cute!)

Ok, the girls are stirring so I need to take care of them again. Hopefully we don't get too much snow tomorrow! I wish the weather wasn't going to get so cold, poor Abby won't be able to go outside much for awhile.

Abby's Babies

I just had to post this beautiful picture of my girls! Abby was sooooooo happy that she could hold her sisters. She did really well with them! Now she wants to hold them all the time... still a little too rough to do it on her own!

Just another day at the Dose's

I love it when Tom is home! My days go faster, are less stressful and Abby is less crazy. Speaking of which... I think she snuck downstairs again. That girl... She has a new pink rug and she loves to dance and twirl on it and take all of the clothes out of her drawers. I don't even know how to clean my house anymore, she just loves to explore and take everything out as fast as I can put it back in. Now if only I could teach her to put things back...

Kiley, Kara and Abby are all congested. I had to pull out the booger sucker last night to suck the junk out of their little noses (Kiley and Kara). Oh the dreaded booger sucker how they hate you. But if it helps them breathe we will put up with it. I just hope they aren't catching a cold. It might be the same junk that Abby has though I've assumed lately that hers was related to teething.

Yay... Abby brought me another handful of clothes.... I really really really really need to get someone to help put those child safety locks on our drawers. It would be nice to keep a few things in their place. We had a nice pancake/bacon breakfast (healthy I know) but it gives me a good chunk of calories which I'm working really hard at maintaining. I need to do a better job at drinking more water too, it's hard to stay hydrated!!! I'm trying to store away enough milk in the freezer to make sure we have a good supply just in case I need it. Tom loves that the freezer doors are full of it. It's everywhere!!!

Kiley and Kara both did much better with sleeping last night. They were up every 2 hours but they coordinated schedules so it allowed me to sleep. I discovered that our bassinet has a vibrator/mobile thingy that can be attached. I am going to try and put that on one night and see if that helps. Kara loves the vibration feature on her bouncy seat but the girls get a little squishy when I put them both in it. It also stops after 15 minuets which doesn't help keep them sleeping. My mom gave me a 'womb sounds bear' when Abby was so little and so fussy. This has worked wonders with Kiley and Kara. I think our bedroom was too quiet and they like the soothing sounds of the heartbeat. It means we get the bed to ourselves a little longer and I don't have to be their pacifier.

Well I need to get things around here ready. Tom is going to put a new battery in our van since it's died twice and needed to be jumped. Not safe at all. It would be bad if I got stranded with 2 babies and a toddler somewhere this winter. We are supposed to get snow this week so we need to get that taken care of. I think we are going down to my parent's place today. The Vikings are playing tonight and Tom likes to watch the games with my Dad and brothers. (I guess I'm not as exciting lol) We might stay overnight but haven't quite decided. If it snows it might be nice to avoid driving with all of the crazy traffic.

One final thought before I go. I was looking back at some of the blog entries that I wrote, especially towards the beginning of the pregnancy. It still is amazing we have gotten so far, and been blessed so greatly. God answered our prayers and gave us three little girls that are beyond amazing. He is the reason we've made it this far, and He will continue to provide for all of our needs and at times uncertain future....

He is the Reason for the Season

Appointments and Shopping

Abby had her 18 month check up today... and wow was that a circus! My mom came to my house around 2:30. I had already loaded the two babies and Abby into the van. (Which is a ton of work I might add) We stopped at my school first where I talked with my adviser about next Spring. I thought I had come in early enough but I guess it wasn't fast enough. The classes I need to take online are all filled up already. So... for now I am wait listed and my adviser is  contacting a professor to see if I can get a spot. She asked if I wanted to take chemistry at the school... but the thought of driving up to town twice a week, for one hour 4:00-5:00... isn't going to work. Making my mom watch all three for a mere hour, twice a week, during the most 'sport's booked' hours of the day isn't fair.

So that was frustrating. I also found out that the paper I need signed for my loans has to be signed by someone at the actual college I am enrolled in. SO on Monday I have to drive 45 minuets to the college and get this paper signed so that I have proof that yes, I am still enrolled in school, and NO they shouldn't make my loans all come due. The extra bill would sink us... literally. We just don't have that kind of extra cash lying around. In fact we have 0 extra cash for anything.

Ok... I digress. Abby's appointment renewed my frustrations with my current pediatrician. He is a really nice guy who is GREAT with Abby... who also doesn't really listen to me. I ask questions and get 'generalized' answers... but I don't know any better doctors so I'll deal with it for now and keep pushing my concerns if I have them. But she is doing well developmentally. Her weight and height are just below the 50th percentile.

But it was quite a zoo in that room. 2 crying babies and a toddler who was also trying to help each of the babies. Good thing I wasn't by myself! It was fun that I met a mother who's friend was expecting twins and had a 15 month old. She asked me how I was doing and if it was hard... etc etc. It was nice to talk with her about it. I had several people ooo and awww over Kiley and Kara.


We went to Walmart after the appointment so that I could pick up a few groceries. Wow did we get a lot of looks driving carts, one full of babies and the other with a squirmy toddler and groceries. I bet it was a funny sight. But now our cubboards are full of food again and I think my appetite will improve significantly with the choices I now have. Groceries are expensive though!

Tom is sitting in the recliner right now holding Kara and Kiley. He is laughing because as he strokes Kara's forehead she gets this little happy drunk look on her face. But now they are both crying... I had better go feed them. Check out my latest poll and see how well you do! (Oh and thanks to Sam for the cool Tom & Bri + Thr3E picture!)

Snow Snow Snow

Today we are going down to my parent's place to visit. Abby would like the change of scenery and I could use some time out of the house too. We'll get down there eventually, as soon as I'm not a milk machine and Abs get's breakfast and changed. Sometimes I look at the whole of everything I need to do and it is overwhelming. I need to do a better job of just taking things one step at a time. Things always look a little better over a good cup of coffee. I do love my coffee :)

I found out yesterday that there is a good chance that I will get into the nursing program next Fall. One of the professors I talked to said that she knew of several students who decided that nursing was not for them. That is encouraging to me! I can't wait to be done with school. So that is a positive!

Our mail was interesting yesterday. We got the bill from our hospital... before insurance it was $25,000. WOW. Each ultrasound that I had there at the end was $900-$1600 a piece. And if you remember there were a few times I had them twice a week! There were two doctors at delivery who just 'attended' the delivery 'just in case' ... we got charged $180 dollars PER BABY for that. It just blows my mind. Thank GOD we have the right insurance... we would have been in serious trouble financially otherwise. The Lord does provide! Another twin mommy whose blog I followed (who had her twins at 28 weeks and was on hospital bedrest for months...) got her bill the other day too. 1 MILLION dollars... no joke, it really was that high. Yikes! There is no price you can put on your children but it is amazing how expensive twins can be!

People often ask me how I tell Kiley and Kara apart. Sometimes I look at my babies and wonder... are they really identical? They look so different to me? Perhaps that is a mom's perspective, perhaps they still look different because of where they were in the womb, and their weights and such... but from everything I know, one placenta means identical. So perhaps they will look more alike as they get older.

Kiley: Has a larger bump on the back of her head; Her complexion is lighter, she tends to be calmer than Kara, will calm down faster than Kara

Kara: Has a redder complexion, She likes to curl up in a little ball, she is more of a spitfire (reminds me a little more of Abby at times)

At times I can just... 'tell'

But I need to get off the computer and get going... later!

Just one of those days...

Generic chicken noodle soup is not a bargain, it is awful. I went digging through the cupboards today, found the can and decided to give it a shot. Never again. Now the oven is preheating for a pizza. Our state of food is pretty pathetic. Eventually I either need to make Tom do a little grocery shopping or my mom, or perhaps have her babysit so that I can go. It's impossible to do on my own.

I'm struggling a little today. So if you call, or email or chat with me don't feel bad if I don't respond. We all went to visit my prior fellow nursing students which was really nice. They enjoyed seeing all three of my girls. Abby fell asleep on the way home, I got her in the crib...and she woke up a few minuets later. Of course both Kiley and Kara were hungry and screaming so I had to wait and feed them both first. I put them down in the crib, made a bottle for Abby and tried rocking her. Abby was naughty and kept trying to slap me, she was crying, the babies were crying and I didnt know which to take care of first. Abby was so close to falling asleep so many times. Finally after 45 minuets I felt like I had ignored Kiley and Kara long enough. I put Abby down in her crib and went back upstairs to take care of the other two. Abs screamed and screamed of course calling out for me.

I got the twins changed, fed them again and by the time I was finished Abby had cried herself to sleep. It's 3 o'clock and I still haven't eaten lunch yet. I'm trying to make sure I eat but my appetite has been down a lot lately and I dont know if it's because I just don't 'feel' like making food or I'm just so tired I'm not hungry. Or maybe I feel like there is so much to do I just forget that I have to eat too. Of course I know I need to eat, I'm trying to feed two babies... skipping meals is bad. And I pretty much only had cereal yesterday. (To which I already feel guilty about)

Which brings me to the other thing I'm struggling with. I feel like I'm so much a caregiver that I'm not a mom. I feel like I'm going through the motions of ... feed Kiley, hand her off to be burped, feed Kara, hand her off to be burped, change Kiley, change Kara, change Abby, get Abby a snack, Kiley is hungry again, Kara wants to be fed, both need to be changed again, Abby is getting into the trash again, now she's taking all of the clothes out of the door, she wants me to play with her....

I cried today. I miss cuddling with Abby on the couch and watching cartoons. I miss us being buddies and doing things together and going for walks or running errands. I feel like I'm constantly telling her no. I want to play with her and color and do things like we used to. I really do try, I'm just so tired or I get busy. I miss feeling close. That's why letting her cry herself to sleep this afternoon was so hard.

I wish I could sit and hold Kiley and Kara like I did with Abby. I want to let them play on the floor, and swing in their swing or sit in the bouncy seat. They have to spend so much time in the crib because it's safe from Abby and she keeps me so busy. And because there are two of them I feel like I can't bond with each individually that I'm so busy going from one to the next to Abby. I feel like I'm being cheated out of enjoying them as little babies. They both cry and I often have to choose which one I will comfort first. How do you choose? Do I choose one more than the other out of habit? I try to comfort them both if I can... and then there is Abby.

I feel like a bad mom. I just do. And it makes me sad. Everyone tells me to do what I can and that is all I can do... but what if it isn't enough?

If you made it through that long post congrats. I'm sorry about complaining or 'whining' ... but I just have a lot of things that I'm struggling with today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better....