There and Back

I have a confession to make... I'm not a perfect mom.

And in the midst the crazy exhaustion I'm feeling, the pregnancy hormones and stress from work... I feel like I should still be able to come home and be the mommy I want to be.

And it's one of the worst feelings to know that I can't. Somehow I need to let go of the rosey perfect picture of what I want to be as a mom, that perfectionist ideal that no one can live up to and just be mom. And the tears that I cry are the evidence that it's something I have a hard time doing.

I'm exhausted. My feet are cankles, I feel more unattractive right now then I have probably felt since I was 13. I can hardly sit on the floor to play with my girls because the cramping in my legs or abdomen will get so bad. T-shirts and sweatpants are about the only things I feel remotely comfortable in because the rest of my clothes doesn't fit. I've completely given up on trying to find the time to get my hair cut or permed or whatever. Aka I'm miserably trying to bask in the last few days/weeks of this pregnancy... because I know I will miss carrying him around with me.

And of course bedtime was a disaster again, Abby has been driving me a little crazy with her random screaming just when the girls are settling down, Kiley needs to get out of bed 20 times to give me a hug. Kara likes to get involved in schemes with Abby or keep her going on the path of madness. I sit on a little pink beanbag for an hour telling them to lay down, stop spitting, stay in your bed, stop bouncing...

And I get upset.

And I hate getting upset. Because they find it funny. Which makes me more angry.

My girls fell asleep tonight and I was tired of giving them hugs. I didn't want to kiss their 'owies' that they got by trying to crawl out of bed for the 100th time. I didn't want to hear their 'stories'. In fact they only fell asleep after I told them that I was crying.

Then I wrapped Abby's Valentine's Day box for preschool without her... and I cried again.

Now I wish I could have been more patient, because more then anything I miss them during the day. I miss being Mommy, (or Mimi as Kara calls me)

I believe it's just time to get a little sleep. Tomorrow is after all a new day. I love my girls with all my heart, beyond even words. And tomorrow I'll get back up, dust myself off and try again... and perhaps sneak in a little more snuggle time and that extra hug... even if it means I need to hear about the birthday party, cake and decorations for the next 3 months... 

Sometimes we all need a simple reminder that we can't do things on our own. I'm thankful that I don't have to. And please Lord grant me the confidence, courage, patience, serenity to be the mother you've called me to be... 

"They know me in a way no one ever has; They open me to things I never knew existed. They drive me to insanity and push me to my depths. They are the beat of my heart, the pulse of my vein and the energy in my soul. They are my kids."