Update

Well concerns finally crept up on me and I decided to do a weight check on Chris. Daycare had been telling me that he wasn't eating very well and I figured it was probably just better to make sure things were ok. I had been doing the "I'm just extremely paranoid, nothing is wrong" dance in my head for two weeks. I weighed him today, naked (more accurate) on our specialty scales (the same one he was weighed on for his cardio visit)

7.1 kg ... oh sorry, I'm used to working in kilos at work. It works out to around 15.6 lbs. Two weeks ago he was around 16.3 lbs. (He almost lost a pound) No, it doesn't look like a lot when you write it like that. But he should be closer to 17 lbs by now, not 15 if we were following the growth curve.

My hopes, this is an acute deal. That being sick so much has finally just worn him out a little. He missed mommy and just lost a little weight.

The scary thing that sits in the back of my mind, this little voice whispering... this is heart failure... that we are headed towards surgery.  That this isn't just a fluke thing.

I'm hoping for the best, preparing for the worst. It makes me feel sick, it makes me feel overwhelmed and very tired. It makes me want to hold onto him tight and shove every bit of food down his throat I can haha. But tomorrow will still come, We will go on like yesterday and the day before... we will be constantly aware of Chris's heart, secretly trying not to remember that darn little hole is still there, wishing it would close itself up and let us move on. This is a journey, not always what we expected or hoped for... but we will keep trusting, remembering that even if that little hole doesn't heal, He has been faithful.

And then I'm thankful that is all we are dealing with. Out of the hundreds of awful things out there, he has something that is fixable, that CAN close on it's own, that we hope will close on it's own.

So if you are reading this, and don't mind saying up a prayer for us, for Chris. That his weight will improve next week. That this is a fluke weight, or an off day, or week or weeks. That next week will be better. That we won't go crazy waiting.

Because even just knowing that Dr Arain sent off his information to the surgeon, just in case, that sending makes me feel a lot more nervous.... and now that I've written that all out. I won't worry about it tonight. God is still faithful.

----

(Kiley & Chris)

I also took Kiley to the doctor today. Her chronic cough of (like 3 months) makes our pediatrician think that she has RAD or Ashtma. We are going to try a burst of steroids to see if she improves. I'm supposed to call him next week to let him know how things go. We'll decide from there whether we give her allergy medication or start her on an inhaler as well. Never dull around here.

Kara was so sweet in the doctor's office. She read books to Chris on the floor while Kiley sat on my lap for the exam. They were all so good going into the doctor's office.

Abby is loving school. She even gave me a little dirty look when I came to pick her up early haha. She told me last night that I was her best friend, that she loves me and that she likes how I make cookies with her and read books to her. I wanted to make sure I wrote that down, because there are no words to express how much I loved hearing that.

I love you Abby, I love you Kiley, I love you Kara, I love you Christopher... and I love your Daddy too.

6 months

Chris is 6 months old now, not a bitty baby anymore but a smiling, laughing, scooting backwards little guy. (And thankfully I also journal daily on paper or I would have missed the last few months of his life haha!)

He has started saying "Momma" and will do his best to scoot along our living room floor. His favorite toy to play with right now is Legos. Yep Duplo Legos. He really is a boy. He holds them in his hand and manipulates them, smacks them together and just enjoys them thoroughly.

And it's easy to enjoy them because 90% of the time the girl's have them spread out throughout the living room.

(Kiley)

(Abby & Kara)

Abby is a grown up 4 year old little girl off to preschool and loving language. She is learning to write her letters, names, is discovering that letters make sounds and that they also make words. She can write "Peter, Carol, Mom, Dad and Abby" I'm sure she could write more if I worked with her but she has moved onto letter sounds for the moment.

Kiley is still the snuggler, she has been waking up a lot in the middle of the night which makes me wonder if she has an ear infection or something along those lines? One morning I discovered her on the couch, by the time I got up the second time she was gone... so I figured she must have decided to go back down. Unfortunately most of the time she also decides that she needs to wake up Kara as well and I have TWO toddlers to put back to bed. (I'm glad Abby is a hard sleeper!)

Kara has been a bit more feisty lately. Enough to almost drive me a little crazy. Though I think we are finally nearing the end of this short lived fire cracker phase. Everything was wrong that we did, the milk wasn't poured in the bowl right, her skirt wasn't the right shade of purple, she wanted the chair facing the certain direction, her sister was looking at her.... A lot of meltdowns with this one. Sometimes I think she was just missing Mommy... things seem to have gotten a little better once I added some extra cuddle time to our bedtime routine.

Both Kara and Kiley are loving preschool most of the time. They color and make shape books and color some more. They like to make pictures for us and so I have a huge stack sitting on my countertop. Their hair is growing like crazy and has easily passed Abby's by much to her chagrin.

Chris's heart stuff is about the same. I'm feeling a little sad about this even though our report doesn't mean a lot at the moment. Monday we went it and I expected the news that the VSD was continuing to show signs it would close and that we could just continue on as normal. I didn't expect surgery to come up in the course of the conversation. Perhaps it was never completely off the table as I thought. The left side of his heart is enlarged a bit again and we can't really say whether the enlargement is contributing to this crazy bout of respiratory junk that he has had. They did increase his Lasix and started him on an inhaler (Flovent). So far the cough has eased off so I'm hoping that will do the trick! He has of course really declined in the amount he eats so I don't know what to think of that. Teething perhaps? It's hard not to over analyze things but of course the daycare being concerned doesn't help lol.

So for now we wait again, lots and lots of waiting. I try to just ignore it and live as we are but when you work at the clinic it's constantly there. That is the room that we did the echo in, there is the room I snuggled Chris and fed him and kissed his forehead. I always have a hard time working after my baby(s) are there because I feel so sad without them. From what I understand we go back in December, if things continue as is we might talk about surgery in March. If he gets better we can push it off, if he gets worse we push it up.

I really don't want to be even thinking about the possibility of surgery around the time I want to be planning his first birthday party. Even if it is a just a possibility... I guess it's just take one day at a time. Play with him, love him, kiss him... watch him grow. Because tomorrow is guaranteed to any of us, and there is a possibility something could happen to any one of my babies. And I can't dwell on that.

For one of the first weeks in a long time we are finishing off a week where we aren't all sick. I'm still recovering from a sinus infection but am going to avoid getting another antibiotic because the first is bugging my milk supply enough as it is... and I don't have extra to waste.

I suppose I should go to bed. Just feeling a little alone, very tired of trying to stay on top of everything (work, home, kids, bills, friends, photos, housework....) I wish I could just run away for awhile sometimes.

Brief thinking

If I'm alone in my thoughts, that is ok. I haven't touched this thing in quite awhile. Because it is Abby's first week of preschool and Chris is growing up right before my eyes.... Kiley and Kara are on the cusp of three. Hard to believe isn't it.

Yes. I'm still working full time, a difficult process of trying to do 40+ hours of work in 32, 33,34...

Abby is enjoying preschool and has decided that school has a lot of rules. Her teacher met with me for a little while and said that she has enjoyed having Abby in her classroom and that she is adjusting well. :)

Chris is eating me out of house and home. I can hardly keep up with pumping for him. Speaking of which, I suppose I had better finish pumping and get some sleep. He has one little tooth on the bottom now. My little baby is growing up right before my eyes!

Kara was quite sad today when I had to go for work. It was hard to make her stay inside when all she wanted was to stay home with me. Kiley has been waking up frequently lately. I hope that she isn't getting another ear infection... they have been sick a lot lately. Thankfully we got rid of the last bug for awhile!

Summer days, Short days

I don't write much, I realize this. But when you are chasing 3 little girls slimy from popcorn butter, rearranging your house, sorting through old toys/clothes/furniture and working a full time job. I hit the recliner and just want to throw on a good episode of HGTV or MASH... or sometimes nothing exciting at all.

They are all attending daycare at the moment, and are pretty happy with it (other than cost! We could buy a house three times larger for what we pay in childcare!) I will be going down to 2 days a week here soon and then we get to figure it out all over again, because we cannot pay full time for daycare when we need childcare for 2 afternoons a week.

Chris is growing up quickly and loves to eat everything, hands, fingers, toes, blankets are a special treat of his along with his fist. He also can scoot around in a circle on his stomach. He will be crawling soon! He had 2 doctor's visits this week for a cough that he has had for 3 weeks. They tried albuterol inhalers on him with little success so now they put him on an antibiotic and steroid. I decided to try the antibiotic first to see if it would clear things up without the steroid. I just don't like steroids :/

Abby is struggling a little with all of the transition/illness around the house. She just can't handle it all and we are seeing a lot of sensory behaviors coming out again (meltdowns, tons and tons of extra movement, limited ability to stay on task) it makes things really crazy around here at times. She does love school though and for that I am thankful! She tells me a lot of stories...

Kiley is probably the saddest when we drop her off at school, but she seems to be getting used to it and she has the added bonus of always having her best friend along. They have quite the time together and are always getting into trouble. Her potty training is still a struggle after she was in the hospital....

(Kara)

Kara is doing very well with potty training and can stay dry during naps and bedtime! She is talking more and more as well which is fun to see. They are getting to be little girls. Kiley and Kara love to dress up in princess dresses.

(Kiley)

My brother is getting married next weekend and Abby (Kiley and Kara too) are very excited to get married. It will be a crazy weekend and I'm thankful that we will have extra hands to help. I took Friday off which will help as well to get things ready.

Paint paint paint... now I must paint. Have a wonderful afternoon and try to avoid getting too hot! I think we will be going down to swim near my parent's place. Phew!

Chicken noodle... I wish

This is my morning coffee break before the frenzy of activity commences. My kids are all sick in one way or another so there will be no church. (I just don't appreciate when people bring their runny nosed/coughing children to church) Plus Kiley and Chris both were up a lot last night, Chris had a fever and would cry and cry. We took Kiley and Kara into acute care last night. I had figured they both just had ear infections from all of the drainage.

Well I was right with Kara but not Kiley. Kara got placed on an antibiotic. Kiley got bloodwork, a chest xray and O2 sat level. He didn't see anything on the chest xray but admitted he wasn't a radiologist. So if they see anything more they will call Monday. I have a feeling I'll need to get her double checked with her primary anyways. They started her on neb treatments but I can still hear things in her lungs... Good grief Kiley!

Abby has been coughing and miserable as well so they are all looking good. Of course in my house being sick does not mean chicken noodle soup and comfy days on the couch. Usually it just means a lot of fighting, a lot of crying and craziness. We've used our share of Children's Advil that is for sure!


Well... crying commences so off I go... hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Mulberries and Lost Wind

I had one of THOSE nights... no, not a screaming pull your hair out night... but a night where you feel SO incredibly at peace with your life.


I picked up the kiddos from my mom's place and we drove home. I made leftover brisket and green beans. In Abby's opinion it was "the best supper that I never ate!" Kiley and Kara enjoyed it as well. It was a little hairy, (no not the food)... Chris was just upset while I was trying to keep food on three hungry little girls' plates.

(Kiley)

After they ate we watched a cartoon or two while I fed Chris. Abby put on a show... and somehow this show meant all the girls needed to get dressed up. Kiley at one point had on 2 dresses, a pair of panda pajama pants and a tank top. Abby had on 2 dresses and a pair of jeans. Kara had the most 'normal' outfit with a dress and pair of backwards capris...

We decided to go on a walk, Chris rode in the yellow stroller and Kiley sat next to them. It was a BEAUTIFUL night and the girls enjoyed chit chatting as we walked our way to the park. We spent some time on the monkey bars and going down slides. Abby can now pump her own swing! We have been working on this for weeks and weeks... and now she can finally start herself and get going. I'm so proud.


We decided later it was time to go home and the girls followed me over to a mulberry tree... Oh they take me back to my childhood. I had to resist the urge to eat them instead of giving them to the girls. They really liked them as well and loved searching them out. Kiley didn't want to leave. Abby saved a pile of them for Daddy for his birthday but ate them after I told her that he didnt like them. It was so sweet of her to think of him. Kiley and Kara picked flowers for him but they didn't make it home either....


I even got in some sweet baby talk with Chris tonight...


I love being a mom.

Heart-ache

"What if the aching of this life..."

Aching... yes that's what it is. My heart is aching. One day at a time, I hope for a step closer to some stability, some conclusion to the struggles we have been dealing with. And yet gently the Lord is leading us through this time. At times I want to drop to my knees like a frustrated, weary toddler and cry out that I'm too tired. But I see those around me that are struggling with burdens heavier than my own, and I get up and we move on.

Fear is a difficult thing to abandon completely.

Our childcare situation is a mess... and would be an even larger mess if I didn't have two amazing mother figures in my life that have stepped up to the plate and helped us out. I'm trying desperately to remedy the situation but it's not an easy spot to be in. It might mean leaving my job... but we'll see.

Chris's next appointment is a week from today. I'm very ready for this next report. I know that he is gaining well, I know his murmur is still there... so I'm just waiting to see...

Abby, her cousin and I chased fireflies around my inlaw's farm the other night. Seeing how excited she was about having one land on her hand... a memory I will forever cherish. I find myself wishing I had photos of things like that... but I know I'll remember it if I jot it down here.

Kiley and Kara are extremely sweet... and brutal to each other. We are going through quite the biting phase, mostly directed at each other. It's interesting. They are struggling with this constant change as well... each in their own way. I wish I could help them through this... and I do my best to. But it's hard.

Tom had a sleep study done last night, I"m hoping we get the results soon so that we can hopefully help him feel more rested during the day.

Well I need more snuggle time with my baby... time to wake him up.

Waiting for the door to open

It has been a long two weeks of adjusting, and it doesn't seem to be ending any time soon. Sadly my kids are also showing signs of the wear this has had on them. They all have their unique ways of showing it. I just hope that soon we will be able to settle into a little routine and they will settle in.

They went to daycare for two weeks and the driving became too much for us. Tom and I were each driving 50+miles a day and I didn't like how much time this took away from my family. So we switched daycares! I found a wonderful place that I was comfortable to have the girls go to, and my sister was going to watch Chris...

Then the help we were going to have to help with daycare costs... fell through... and when daycare is 60-70% of your income... you need a little help. So now we have been scrambling to find people that are able to help us through this problem. The interesting thing is... once I hopefully start working part time we will be able to get this assistance (I know, it makes no sense) So it is a temporary setback but frustrating.

Sometimes it would be nice not to have to do the one step forward... three steps back dance.

I have the most wonderful family though... and they are supporting us through them. I don't know what we would do without them. Thank you!

I can't wait to be home with my girls (and boy) and be mom again. I pray every night, every car ride, every moment I have to think... that this will all be straightened out in the end... that He would grant me the desire of my heart.... to be with my children more.

I know He has a plan. And it's probably to trust Him even more...

Kiley is back on antibiotics by the way. She ended up with a double ear infection and they wanted to make sure her toe is healing. She just woke up again tonight so I hope it is taking care of the problem. I would like to avoid any future doctor's visits... we've certainly had our share.

Chris goes to his next appointment at the end of June. Hopefully we'll know how he's doing then...I don't know really how he's doing. Most days I've tried to stop analyzing everything and just trust that there will be answers in the end... and that we will know what to do then. I did get the dictation from his visits and oddly this has given me some peace, I like to see the black and white print, read it, read it again, and then sort it away. Perhaps that's from the medical training... or perhaps that's just how I am.

Kara and Abby... please continue stay healthy. :)

Time for bed, church in the morning. I need to lay this snuggly baby down. I'm sorry poor house. I tried to clean you... there just aren't enough hours in the day.

Soggy

We are day three into daycare. I bump into quite a few people who ask how it is going or how I'm doing... usually I reply with a "good" or an "ok"... mostly because I don't want to tell them that if I say more I will probably end up in a pool of soggy mom sadness... or that I feel the worst kind of homesickness without them, that during lunch I sit in a little room to pump and I can hardly force myself to eat because I feel so sick from being away from my babies.

But of course I eat because if I lose the ability to feed Chris... I will probably go insane and quit my job and become an extreme coupon-er... (i don't know how to spell that)

Aka... I love my job, I hate being away from my kids. Can I just sneak Chris under my desk? I think I would at least be able to stop crying every night before bed.

Kara was really acting up right before bedtime... just screaming and trying to get out of her bed. I gave her a hug, put her back in bed... same reaction. Finally I asked her if she was sad that mommy was away. She told me "yes...." So I prayed that Jesus would be with Abby, Kiley, Kara & Christopher while mommy and daddy are away. That He would help them not be too sad. Behavior stopped. I cried quietly while they fell asleep and just sat with them awhile after.

So there you have it... I am a soggy little mess right now. I'm homesick for my kids, I miss them terribly.

Trusting... trusting that God has a plan for us in all of this, trusting my most precious cargo to someone else... trusting and praying and hoping that I can come back home again soon...

Memorial Day

I avoided this place for awhile, I apologize. It was just too hard to sit down for more than 5 minutes and think up something to write. Our family has had fun moments, sad moments, frustrating moments and moments of terror. Perhaps I should just get a mood ring and you will all be able to tell subtly what is going on.

Abby is FOUR, she had a wonderful birthday party at the lake celebrating with friends and family. She had a pinata and cake and candy and hot dogs... oh and watermelon. She got to open lots of presents and play with he favorite cousins and friends. We had a wonderful time.

Christopher ended up being baptized the same weekend and his little party went very well, he slept through most of it. Ask me about baptism sometime. I would love to talk about it with you. The short and sweet of it is that we see it as a dedication, a bringing of our child to God to say publicly... he is your son, we will do the best to raise him the way we should.

Kiley's foot is looking quite a bit better. We still have a few repercussions around from our hospital stay. Like refusing to use the bathroom when we ask her to. Silly things like that. It still doesn't look great, but it doesn't look... awful either.

Kara is Kara. My sweet goofy little girl. She loves to swing with me on my lap and has started tagging along more after Abby. She is in fact still sleeping which is a miracle, I can't remember the last time one of my kids slept in until almost 8 o'clock!

All of the girls love our puppies and I know they will be sad to see them go. We have only two of them left now, the boys went quickly this time.

Tomorrow the fun begins, Tom runs the kids 15 miles the opposite direction of work ... to take the kids to daycare. They will probably need to be there from 10-4:30 or 5pm. The I will drive down to pick them up. I have never done this daycare thing, I have no idea what it involves from a parent's point of view... I'm dreading it like you wouldn't believe... mostly for Christopher who won't understand why I'm not there. But... I'm plugging away, trying very hard to stay positive. I cannot leave my job quite yet, I carry the insurance and our family has too much going on to drop off of that. So we will trust that we are doing the right thing, right now. I know this isn't permanent which keeps me going.