School Ramblings

My last day of summer vacation, and then it is off to my last last last year of school... did I mention it is my last? My last first day, last day of orientation... I'm ready! I'm ready to put that chapter of my life behind me and struggle with trying to comprehend how I will manage to get through this semester with 3 kids 2 and under... all of whom rely on me in a very big way. I'm also just a little sad that the routine will change, that I won't be home with them as much... and I'm also a little afraid that they won't want me as much anymore...

Isn't that strange? That I worry they won't want me and will want my mom more? Hundreds of thousands of kids go to daycare everyday why should my girls be any different?

Because I struggled with that already once before. With Abby... I knew and felt and sensed that she wasn't attached to me around 10 months-15 months. (around the time the hair pulling got bad) She didn't come to me when she was hurt (and that hurt a lot) and just sorta did her own thing. She never wanted 'mommy.' No matter how I tried I felt like something wasn't right and I blamed myself for being gone with school.... I cried a lot about that. And I didn't really tell anyone either because I was ashamed.

 And now look at how much progress we have made, she wants me to hold her and kiss her owies and hold her hand at night when she is scared. She likes playing baseball with me and building sandcastles, coloring, or making muffins. I feel special to her and loved and like HER mom... ("don't you touch her" lol) And even if it is irrational and crazy and I know in my head that there were other issues going on that prevented her from 'attaching' to me those months... my heart is shaking in it's boots that once I get back to school it will start all over again. I'm afraid that if she's away from me too long she'll forget about me.

But she'll be ok... I'll be ok... We'll be ok.